1
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:07,880
[drill whirring]

2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,440
NEWSCASTER: ...lock down
Ireland and New York.

3
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,880
And here, in the UK,
we have shut down a few things

4
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:16,960
but should the UK
be considering a national lockdown?

5
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Here's a little song while you think.
[Aine groans]

6
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♪ I can't recall the first time... ♪

7
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SHONA: Can't believe
the karaoke place has shut down.

8
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,000
I love karaoke.
[Aine groans]

9
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I'm allowed to be sad, Aine.

10
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:30,920
Yeah, I know it's serious.

11
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They shut down all the‐‐
I know the Irish airports are shutdown.

12
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It's still my hen.

13
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I am actually devastated

14
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that the cock‐sucking class I booked
got canceled

15
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'cause that was so you.

16
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Ow! Shona, stop it.

17
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Oh, I even hurt my hand.
Good!

18
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Good! Good that it hurt your hand.

19
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My friend just canceled
her whole wedding next month

20
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because her mum has asthma.

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It's too dangerous.
Seema!

22
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SHONA: Why would you say that?
Read the room.

23
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My wedding is in less than two months.

24
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Sorry, sweetheart. Facts though.

25
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Do you think it's too early
for breakfast Prosecco?

26
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To add to the orange juice.

27
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No, sure. It's all paid for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

28
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Yeah, exactly, yeah. Definitely.

29
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Is she okay? 10:30 in the morning.

30
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Not really. Vish, um...

31
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He's not supposed to tell me this,
so don't tell her I told you.

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[fake laughs]

33
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:11,880
Actually, she'll probably tell us later.

34
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She's mad pissed because

35
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she found out her husband
spent 250 quid in a lap‐dancing club.

36
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She only found out‐‐

37
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She only found out
when she read the bank statements.

38
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Oh, my God!

39
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Well, at least, so he paid
the hard‐working woman

40
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above the living wage.

41
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Because it's actually very vulnerable

42
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to do a sexy dance for someone, you know?

43
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What?

44
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SEEMA:
Here we go.

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AINE:
Oh, there she is!

46
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Look at all that pineapple for one woman.

47
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WOMAN: Are you ladies the hen?

48
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Uh, yes, I think, madam,
that it is safe to assume

49
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that we are the hen. LOL.

50
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:44,840
Ah! Shona!

51
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It's fun.
SHONA: It's two of us now.

52
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Don't put it on!
AINE: You said you wanted fun!

53
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,800
Look at our nails, Mammy.
MAMMY: Ooh.

54
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,920
Got my pedi.

55
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AINE:
It's almost like you're here, Mammy.

56
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,360
There's Seema.

57
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,600
Hiya!

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00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:57,120
MAMMY:
Oh, hi, Seema.

59
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She looks drunk.

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Oh, and the Irish government
is locking me up.

61
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Not even giving me the chance
to go out and die,

62
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never mind live.

63
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Yeah, you're over 70, Mammy.

64
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"Over 70," it's insulting.

65
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But, look... [chuckles]
I have survived a war.

66
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So this is nothing‐‐

67
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What war did you survive?

68
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The Vietnam War.

69
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Oh, yeah, I forgot
you were in 'Nam, Mam.

70
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Oh, but, now,
how is my investment doing?

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Uh...

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Oh, she got in trouble with her boss
for sleeping with one of the parents.

73
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So not so good.
MAMMY: Oh, no.

74
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,360
Shona, that's not funny.

75
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:30,480
James still isn't talking to me.
It happened.

76
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Yeah, but it's not funny though.
So don't make jokes.

77
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"Oh, what a web we weave."

78
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"When first we begin to deceive."
Yeah, I know the poem, Mammy.

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Yeah, well, you should never lie.

80
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You'll always get caught out.

81
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Yeah, the reception is bad, Mam.

82
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I'll call you tomorrow.
What?

83
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:44,800
Bye. I love you.

84
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[sighs in frustration]

85
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See her aghast face?

86
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Shona, that's...

87
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"Don't put me back in the box."

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[laughing]

89
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SHONA: [over phone] Yeah, she said
because her mother had asthma,

90
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:03,120
she had to cancel the whole wedding.

91
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,560
I mean, doesn't...

92
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your, uh, uncle have asthma?

93
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,440
Yeah, he did, before he died. Yeah.

94
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,160
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, honey. I forg‐‐

95
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I forgot. When was that again?

96
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VISH: [over phone]
I'm just messing with you. He's not dead.

97
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,480
But he does have asthma, yes.

98
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SHONA:
Oh, you prick!

99
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[laughing]

100
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,920
Listen, worse case,
we can just do it in the back garden.

101
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Yeah, that's what they all say
when they don't want to get you pregnant.

102
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VISH:
Wa‐wa. Nice one.

103
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Wa‐waaaaa.

104
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Listen, uh, speaking of that, um,

105
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remember when I told you
that Gaya had adopted kids?

106
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SHONA:
Gaya, your ex.

107
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,200
Yeah, she's a great person.

108
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,760
Well, uh, I realize that...

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you know, we've‐we've never
talked about that.

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Well, I mean, we‐we have.

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Having a baby, we‐‐

112
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Because I'm so old‐‐

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Well, I refute that but, no, just‐‐

114
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You know, adoption.

115
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Or is it just like a‐a total blanket...

116
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over kids, eh, so to speak?

117
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Yeah, I‐‐

118
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I mean, I just don't want anymore...

119
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changes I‐I suppose. I‐‐

120
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I‐I don't know, honey.

121
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It's my hen and, you know,
I'm three sheets to the wind. I‐‐

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Oh, Shona!
SEEMA: Get in here.

123
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SHONA:
Oh, I'm‐I‐I've got to go.
Anyway, I got to‐‐

124
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Okay. Uh, well, hey, you know,
don't fall in love with the stripper.

125
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I don't think I could recover
from the heartache.

126
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Okay, well, you know,
I'll let him fuck me.

127
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I just won't kiss him.

128
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I love you.

129
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Yeah, love you.

130
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AINE:
Inside!

131
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SEEMA:
Come on, get in here!

132
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♪ C'est La Vie by B‐Witched
playing on stereo ♪

133
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[Aine and Seema cheering]

134
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Oh, my God!

135
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Oh, my God!
AINE: Yay! It's your hen!

136
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[all laughing]

137
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Oh, my!

138
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Cocktails!
Barman, woo!

139
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Oh, my God, you got karaoke!

140
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Karaoke!
SHONA: I love karaoke.

141
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That flu is not gonna stop karaoke.

142
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SHONA: Oh, my God! Look at my hair!
[laughs]

143
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And your crown, madam.

144
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I'm not wearin' that.

145
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[indistinct chatter]

146
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♪ And then I go and spoil it all ♪

147
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♪ By saying something stupid
like I love you ♪

148
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Aw. Yay!

149
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Your voice, Shona.

150
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♪ I love you ♪

151
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Oh, don't. I get sad.

152
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♪ I love‐♪

153
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I do love you, I do love you.

154
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,920
Are you having a nice night?
I love the night.

155
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,040
I just wanted your hen‐‐
It's so fun.

156
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On a scale of parties, Shona, it's...

157
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♪ I love you ♪

158
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...uh, professional.

159
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SHONA:
Fuckin', I don't know, me on top?

160
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[Aine screams]

161
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Doggy style.

162
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[all screaming]

163
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That's my brother, Jesus!

164
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Ugh!
Oh, my God. Your kennel‐loving brother.

165
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,760
Hey, Sho.
[kids screaming in background]

166
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I just want to say
I'm really sorry I can't be there.

167
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And I love you so much, you mad fucker.
[kids continue screaming]

168
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[loudly]
Guys, would you just be quiet?

169
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I'm trying to do a video message
for my friend. Oh, my God!

170
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[children squealing loudly]

171
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Sorry, listen, I'm just gonna
have to send this anyway
even though it's shit.

172
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I miss you lots. I love you.

173
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Bye.

174
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ALL:
Aw.

175
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:18,920
Me too.

176
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She hated you.

177
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Oh, my God.
What a passive‐aggressive bitch. Honestly.

178
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[imitating friend]
"Oh, you're movin' to London now, are ya?

179
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,960
"I bet you'll have a lovely time there.

180
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Oh, it will be really hard to find work."

181
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,160
[normal voice]:
Oh, will it, Louise?

182
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,280
Will it be hard to find work in London?

183
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:32,600
Oh, fuck off.

184
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♪ She tells him your life
ain't gonna be nothing like my life ♪

185
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♪ You're gonna grow and have a good life ♪

186
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,480
♪ I'm gonna do what I've got to do ♪

187
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,680
♪ So rockabye baby... ♪

188
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,880
I don't mind the strip club.
I'm loose and fun.

189
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:52,480
I just don't want to feel like some,
"Oh, don't tell her indoors" 1950s wife.

190
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,280
Yeah, yeah.

191
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,560
Also, one of those girls
could have been your daughters.

192
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,200
I mean, I don't have a daughter

193
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,000
and your daughter is six, so‐‐

194
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AINE: Shona, pull up your knickers.

195
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:01,640
The police are here.

196
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,000
What do you mean, "The police are here"?
What are you talking about?

197
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,760
AINE:
I don't know what they want.

198
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,480
Oh, shit.

199
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:10,360
♪

200
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:11,760
Fuck off!

201
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:15,080
[in Italian accent]
A little secret. It's not real police.
Oh, ho‐ho.

202
00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,240
SEEMA: How are you, Mr. Officer?
SHONA: No! Aine!

203
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,840
SEEMA:
Go on, get in there.

204
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,080
AINE: You're under arrest.

205
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,320
It's my worst‐‐
AINE: You're under investigation.

206
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,360
My worst nightmare.

207
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,960
AINE: Anything you say or do
could be used against you.

208
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,160
What is happening? Oh, no.

209
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,240
Oh, no, no. Really?

210
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,280
AINE: Yes!
Really?

211
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:37,720
[Seema and Aine cheering]

212
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,920
Thank you.
You can thank my husband for that.

213
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,840
Anytime.
Oh, that's so kind of you.

214
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,160
Now, again, as I said,
don't put your hand on top of those.

215
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,960
It'll just squash, and they're so lovely.
Great.

216
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,280
♪ So the train of pain remains ♪

217
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:54,280
♪ And so everything stays the same ♪

218
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,200
Do you think he wants to adopt?

219
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,320
I don't know.
It's for you guys to talk through.

220
00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:01,960
Jesus! I just‐I just don't think

221
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,560
I've ever really asked him
what he wants, you know?

222
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,440
Fuck!

223
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,000
He'd do anything for me, Seema, you know?

224
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,360
He could kill for me.

225
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:15,960
[Seema sighs]

226
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,120
I think.

227
00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,240
Maybe you could have one kid,
a really small one,

228
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,720
who could type and be handy?

229
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,240
♪ And the days become the night ♪

230
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,800
Sorry if I was bitching...

231
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,040
♪ Sorry I was bitchy earlier about James ♪

232
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:32,760
And Richard...
[Shona laughing]

233
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,480
♪ Thank you, sister ♪

234
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,560
♪ You got to fight for it, baby ♪

235
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:42,080
♪ One affair with a widower
shouldn't ruin ♪

236
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,240
♪ Everything ♪

237
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,440
She wasn't his wife, Shona.

238
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:46,360
She wasn't his wife.

239
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:48,840
SHONA:
I don't want to look.

240
00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,000
Please, Shona.
Don't annoy me. Just look, would you?
No.

241
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,000
Beyoncé'd fucking look for Solange.

242
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,680
Come on.
Oh, my God!

243
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,040
[crying]
I worry it could be cancer, Shona.

244
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,040
I truly do.

245
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,320
It's not cancer.

246
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,760
[Shona laughing]

247
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,120
It's a hemorrhoid. It's a hemorrhoid.

248
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,800
You are... You are...

249
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,240
Do you get enough fiber?

250
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:26,240
It's private.

251
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,960
[laughing]
Oh, my God. It's fucking...

252
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,080
It's fucking huge.

253
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,480
What, are you trying to birth
Gregg Wallace out of your bum hole?

254
00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,240
Mean sport, Shona.

255
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:39,920
You should see a doctor.

256
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:40,800
I can't.

257
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:48,960
I can't go and see a doctor
and show my pickled asshole, Shona.

258
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,640
The NHS is already
under enough stress as it is.

259
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,760
[exhales] It wouldn't be fair on them.

260
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,960
♪

261
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,160
ETIENNE: Hi, Marcia.
MARCIA: Hello, my little friend, prince.

262
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,360
ETIENNE: Aine?
Yes.

263
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,360
ETIENNE: I have a T‐shirt to show you.
It's so funny.

264
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,120
Oh, funny is my buzzword, man.

265
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,640
Bring it down.

266
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,320
You know, I was worried

267
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:15,520
about whether going to France
would upset him too much...
Yeah.

268
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,640
...or‐or that he wouldn't want
to come back,

269
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:19,360
but he seems okay.

270
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,040
Oh, and, do you know,
he's so excited to see you.

271
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,680
Do you know what he's like?
He's actually like my little pal.

272
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,960
Like I really, really missed him.

273
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,440
Yeah. Um, listen.
Yeah?

274
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,240
I think the reason I'm here tonight...

275
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,120
is because...

276
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,920
he's got a new girl on the go.

277
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,360
No lie.
Really?

278
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,640
Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm.

279
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,760
I found a couple of hair pins
in his room this week.

280
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:43,960
[whispers]
Hairs on the pillow.

281
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:47,080
Pillow? God, that's, um...

282
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,240
Oh, my God. That's...

283
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:51,760
You'd make a good CSI detective,
wouldn't you? Jesus!

284
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,280
Don't tell him I said that.

285
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,440
Just between us downstairs staff.

286
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,800
[chuckles] Come on there, Marcia,

287
00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,200
we're hardly, um,
Downton Abbey here, you know.

288
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,160
No, I know, but I mean,
the last one never even asked my name.

289
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,720
Did she not? Oh, my God.

290
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:05,560
Look.

291
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,880
Ah, that is so original.

292
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,880
Oh, my God, let‐‐
Do you have your phone?

293
00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:12,800
Oh, my God, we're getting a picture.
Getting a picture.

294
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:15,640
Here we go. I'm... Oh‐ho‐ho‐ho.
Hang on... [indistinct]

295
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,000
RICHARD: Etienne, I thought
the T‐shirt was just for me.
[camera shutter clicks]

296
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:18,960
[all laugh]

297
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,640
Thought you went to the pub.

298
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,760
Yeah, but it was a bit more
of a sort of, um, member's bar thing.

299
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,200
But, yeah, pub‐ish. Yeah.
Yeah!

300
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,760
Hmm, he looks like a...

301
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,440
He looks like a model in one
of them country catalogs, don't he?

302
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,560
[Aine laughs]
[Richard scoffs]

303
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,680
Yeah, very‐It's very stylish.

304
00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,240
Uh, thanks, Marcia. I think.

305
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,320
[clears throat] Um...

306
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,280
Well, I'm off, em, eh...

307
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,920
because I am going to the pub.
Ah.

308
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,720
Uh, uh, yeah,
just to see some friends, so...

309
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,080
Near here or?

310
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,040
'Cause I've actually, uh,
just ordered a taxi.

311
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:55,080
So I‐I could give you a lift,

312
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,400
uh, if you wanted, to the‐the pub.

313
00:11:57,400 --> 00:12:00,080
Oh, yeah. Great! Thank you.

314
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,080
That'll be handy.
Very well, great. I'll drop you off.

315
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:03,720
Thanks, really, Richard. Yeah.
Great.

316
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,600
Uh... I'll, uh, just grab my coat.
Yes. Yeah.

317
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,200
Okay.
Lovely. Okay.

318
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,360
Em... Oh, so handy.

319
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,920
[clears throat]
Okay, well, you both have fun then.

320
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,920
Yeah, okay. Um, yeah, see you soon.

321
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:22,600
Um, uh, bye, Etienne.

322
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,240
ETIENNE: Bye, stupid.

323
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,880
Oh, no, Etienne.

324
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,800
Don't call me stupid,
I'll get all upset and sad.

325
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,720
SHONA: Thanks for doing this, Jim.
It'll be good to get the word out there.

326
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:34,600
JIM: Yeah, yeah. I‐I‐‐
So‐So, as she was saying...

327
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,840
Gambling, tobacco companies.

328
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,520
Deforestation...
Um, deforestation.

329
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,880
CHARLOTTE: And most people,
um, and we mean most,

330
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:46,320
don't know that their money,
their pensions, small and big,

331
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,520
are mostly directly invested
in funding those things.

332
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,000
Yeah. Yeah, it's mad.

333
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,480
And‐And the investment world pretend
like there's nothing they can do about it.

334
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:56,280
But we‐we don't believe that.

335
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:57,840
Yeah, no, I get it, I get it. Okay.

336
00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,960
'Cause your‐your investments
don't cost the earth, so... Get it.

337
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,240
So, do you‐do you have a pension, Jim?

338
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,560
JIM: I sure do.

339
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,280
And do you know what it funds?

340
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:08,720
I sure don't.

341
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,160
CHARLOTTE: Do you have children?

342
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:10,760
Three.

343
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:14,640
Well, I can imagine
that they'll care how it is invested,

344
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,240
if they've no world to inherit.

345
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,760
Uh, now a side note,

346
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,200
just because, like, we wanna champion
diversity at the magazine.

347
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,440
So are you‐are you...

348
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:23,800
straight, Charlotte?

349
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:24,560
Why...

350
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,680
I mean,
what's that got to do with anything?

351
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,560
Well, as I said, we‐we‐we wanna
champion anyone outside the box,

352
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,920
you know, managing to make a go of it,
especially in the city.

353
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,680
Am I "A brown lesbian
managing to make a go of it"?

354
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:37,960
Um...

355
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:39,720
Funny.

356
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:40,720
Do‐Don't put that in‐‐

357
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,560
Oh, God, don't worry, girls.
I know how to sell a good profile piece.

358
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:44,960
[Shona sighs]

359
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,200
Well, uh, right, uh...

360
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,760
Um, oh. Yeah, probably need
to warm you up a bit. Readers like smiles.

361
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,600
So, uh, tell each other a joke.

362
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,880
Ugh. I don't know any.
Um...

363
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,680
What do you call Postman Pat
on his holidays?

364
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,480
What?

365
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:01,200
Pat.

366
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,520
It's the only one I know.

367
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,200
You know, you could have
careers as models,

368
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:08,960
if this, you know,
this doesn't work out.

369
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,000
I don't know about that.

370
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,240
I, uh, still got sausage eyes
from my hen do last night.

371
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,960
Small‐Small hen do.
I'm just gonna put these on.

372
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:21,320
Thank you.

373
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,280
Heya! Come here, big man.

374
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:28,080
Oh, fucking‐‐
How handsome are you? Christ!

375
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,160
No wonder you've no personality.
There's just‐There's no need for one.

376
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,360
Look at you, William Wallace.

377
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,480
Aahh. And this is...
This is Mark.

378
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,240
Oh, hello! Hi.
Hi.

379
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,800
Sorry, you're gonna have to...

380
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:39,520
Aine.

381
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,680
Aine?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

382
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,600
And, unfortunately,
I have no personality either,

383
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:43,560
'cause I'm so attractive.

384
00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:46,280
So... sorry about that,
it's gonna be a shit night.

385
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,280
I'm just stuck here
with two attractive dry shites.

386
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,120
RICHARD: Yeah. That's the deal.
[all laughing]

387
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,960
Hey.
Oh, get a fucking room.

388
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,480
Oh, no, we actually reserved this one.
So would you mind fuckin' off?

389
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,240
[laughing]

390
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,160
I fuckin' love Irish women.

391
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,040
Right. Shall we get fucked up
on this overpriced menu?

392
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,280
Babes, don't worry about the price

393
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,120
'cause I actually work as a tutor
for a really wealthy guy.

394
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:11,720
So, I got this. Honestly, don't‐‐
It's on me. Let me.

395
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:15,280
Hey, listen, um, tell me a little bit
about this, um, boss guy of yours?

396
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,960
Well‐‐
'Cause uh...
I've heard he's a real asshole.

397
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,000
A massive asshole,
you can see it from space!

398
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,240
[laughing]

399
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,960
RICHARD:
You! No.

400
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:27,480
I think the key thing to say is,
even if you don't want to actively do good

401
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,440
but you just don't want
to actively do harm.

402
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,560
Girls, I'll‐I will do my best
to try to convince our readers

403
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,360
to give their money
to a hungover Irish woman
and a brown lesbian.

404
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,160
Your words. Don't worry. I'm on your side.

405
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,120
Charlotte.

406
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,960
Charlotte, I'm sorry. I‐I‐I don't‐‐

407
00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:48,560
They can write what they want,
and I can handle it. I work in the city.

408
00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:53,080
What I can't handle is‐is
you look right through me now,

409
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,120
when we speak, even‐‐
even when we fought the other week.

410
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,160
This... this fakeness.

411
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,800
What do you mean, "fakeness"?

412
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,960
Have you ever felt like
you're the part of someone's autobiography

413
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,600
where they learn from a situation,
looking back,

414
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,400
but‐but you're the casualty
of them learning that lesson?

415
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,080
I feel like... that's what I am for you‐‐

416
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,960
Was for you.

417
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,600
Made you realize that you love Vish
or‐or men or whatever.

418
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,800
But I am a real person
who's in that story,

419
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,200
and I deserve to be seen
and for you to bother to be upset about.

420
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,440
I am worth that.
I know you're worth it.

421
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,800
You diminish me as a person
by removing any care for me.

422
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:31,480
I'm sorry.

423
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:35,000
Charlotte, I'm really sorry. I‐‐

424
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:37,440
I just‐‐

425
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:40,680
I'm just‐‐

426
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,560
[sniffling]
I'm just‐‐

427
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,000
[inhales deeply]
I'm just very fuckin' hungover.

428
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,240
I'm sorry.

429
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,680
I'm sorry.

430
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,200
I'm just‐‐

431
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,640
I just‐When you told me
that you were falling for me‐‐

432
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,360
I knew‐I knew it was that.

433
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,640
No, um, maybe I'm a fuckin' psychopath.

434
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:09,120
But it was just this sudden
weight of your feelings,

435
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,800
and‐and‐and Vish, and my love for him,

436
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,160
and our families, and our business,
and fuckin'‐‐

437
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,400
Jesus, what we're trying
to build together here, and I just‐‐

438
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,240
Ugh, I just thought
it would be better for us to‐‐

439
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,520
And for you as well, if‐‐
if it was just clean and cold.

440
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,760
Fuck's sake, Shona,
that is a teenage boy's logic.

441
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:31,280
Yeah, maybe.

442
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,320
But, then, you know,
when you tell me about your head stuff,

443
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,960
I just think, with Aine and‐‐
Ouch!

444
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,440
No, I don't mean it like that.

445
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,160
I feel... embarrassed
even saying that out loud,

446
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,280
but I just didn't think
I could be there for you too.

447
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:48,640
Okay? Not properly.

448
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,120
She just needs me so much.

449
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:52,640
No. No. You need her to need you.

450
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,200
May as well put your stupid Irish face
on the cover of Co‐Dependents Anonymous.

451
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,480
Well, wouldn't be
very fuckin' anonymous then, would it?

452
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:05,160
[Shona scoffs]

453
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,400
I've spent the last four months
talking to my therapist about you.

454
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:12,800
Go on then.

455
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,680
She said to avoid you
and any other women in the closet.

456
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,040
[scoffs] Well, I'm not‐‐

457
00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,680
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you always said.
I mean, I hope that you would've seen‐‐

458
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,600
Well, yeah, you did a good enough job.

459
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,000
Not like you have‐‐

460
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,920
What was it you said that time?

461
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,760
"Panic eating a melting ice cream."

462
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,600
[laughing]

463
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,760
God, I hope
this Jim fucker doesn't come back in.

464
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,880
Could you imagine this for
"women in business"?

465
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,400
[both laughing]

466
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,440
[indistinct chatter]

467
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,080
But she, you know‐‐
I fuckin loved‐‐

468
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,360
She talks about, like, em, democracy,

469
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,360
and how, like,
politicians have to go on TV

470
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:00,840
because that's how they talk to us.
Yeah.

471
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,400
Like the people they represent.
Well, that's‐Yes, part of their job.

472
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,800
We gotta question them, you know?
AINE: Part of their job, yeah.

473
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,400
We gotta see if they're
telling the truth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

474
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,160
RICHARD: Who's this?

475
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,280
It's, em, a podcast episode, the...

476
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:12,880
MARK: It's the Desert Island, um...
It's, um...

477
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:15,520
But we can't remember.
Yeah, can't remember her name.

478
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:18,680
It's‐But it's her‐Uh, it's
her Desert Island Discs interview.

479
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:19,920
I think they might be shutting up.

480
00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,400
A dome...
She dedicates that song to her kid.

481
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,600
I think they might be closing up.

482
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,720
My heart nearly fell out of my chest.

483
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:29,480
'Cause I also‐I grew up
with a single‐mother family, you know?

484
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,440
Sorry. What, em, did your‐‐
Did your dad‐did he die or...

485
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,200
Yeah.

486
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,520
Em, did you say they were closing up?

487
00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,840
RICHARD: Mm, yes.
MARK: What, it's closing time?

488
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,600
RICHARD: Time to go.
AINE: Noooo.

489
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:42,920
Who're you texting?

490
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,400
She's fun, man.
Who are you texting?

491
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,520
MARK: She's fun, man.
It's good to see you laughin'.

492
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,040
Well, she's also very sweet too.

493
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,600
She's amazing.

494
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,720
MARK:
Oh, she bloody talks a lot though.

495
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,320
Ah, says the one‐man chat show.

496
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,040
Yeah, that's different though, isn't it?

497
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,280
I mean, we haven't seen each other
in a long time.

498
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,120
You know, I didn't expect her
to come in and do a fuckin' show.

499
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:07,280
I‐I thought that at first,
but she‐she calms down.

500
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,600
MARK: Hey, I'm not being shady
or anything.

501
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,200
She kept me on my toes, all good.

502
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:14,120
You know, you just don't wanna end up
with some messy bitch who lives for drama.

503
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:14,920
Oh, come on, mate.

504
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,920
No, no, it's just, uh, it's like‐‐
It's a phrase.

505
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,040
She's‐Listen, she's fun. I like her.

506
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,960
I'm only saying this because
you're like a brother to me.

507
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,920
And you're also now a fuckin' legend to me

508
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,080
because you're banging your son's teacher.

509
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,480
That's the fantasy, pal.
[footsteps approaching]

510
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,400
Heya.
Ah, we thought
you got flushed down the toilet.

511
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,440
AINE: No. This place is so fancy,

512
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:41,160
it just took me ages to, you know,
get all the free soaps and bits in my bag.

513
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,200
Oh, yeah. Get what you can
from these places, that's what I say.

514
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,640
Hey, my love,
it's been an absolute pleasure.
Oh... You too.

515
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,560
MARK: You know, we should
do this again sometime.

516
00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:51,840
Oh, yeah. That'd be so nice.

517
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,240
Yeah, I'm gonna be back in London

518
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,960
in about a month or so.

519
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,000
Mm.

520
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,800
You know,
if this cough thing doesn't get me.

521
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,040
[laughing]

522
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,240
AINE:
He was so fun.

523
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:05,600
RICHARD:
Yeah.

524
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:11,480
I have to let you go, don't I?

525
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,040
What?

526
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:13,600
Oh.

527
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,520
You said you were tired
with Etienne back and everything.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

528
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's‐Yeah.

529
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,360
Oh, my God.

530
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,240
She's run out of words.

531
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:28,720
What? No.

532
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,880
No, they're all still in there.
Just, um...

533
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,040
You don't get
to hear them right now, so...

534
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:37,720
Okay.
Yeah.

535
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,440
Can I have‐Can I have one word?

536
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:45,400
One word?
Yeah.

537
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,040
Banana.
[both laugh]

538
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:49,920
That's a good word.

539
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:52,920
You okay?
Mm‐hmm.

540
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:54,800
Sure?
Yeah.

541
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:55,280
Okay.

542
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,960
♪

543
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,400
[over headphones]
Hello, I'm Lauren Laverne,

544
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,960
and this is
the Desert Island Discs podcast.

545
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,360
My castaway this week is Dorothy Byrne,

546
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:11,440
the trailblazing, award‐winning,
grandam of television journalism.

547
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,600
She spent‐‐
[Aine skips forward]

548
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,640
DOROTHY BYRNE: [over headphones]
...politicians not telling the truth

549
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,000
is not some eccentric view of my own.

550
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:22,720
It's one shared by the British people.
It was really depressing...

551
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:23,480
TAXI DRIVER:
Grenfell.

552
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:26,520
Poor families.

553
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,040
Hmm.

554
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,880
TAXI DRIVER:
No justice for any of 'em.

555
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,240
Not bloody fair this life, eh?

556
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:36,200
It's awful.

557
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:46,520
DOROTHY: [over headphones]
For a long period, just one piece of music

558
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,720
which would keep her quiet.

559
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:52,480
I hated it, but it would
definitely remind me of her.

560
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,680
♪ Round and round
Round and round ♪

561
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,840
♪ The wheels on the bus go
round and round ♪

562
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,320
♪ All through the town ♪

563
00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,120
♪

564
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,160
♪ The wipers on the bus go
swish, swish, swish ♪

565
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,800
♪ Swish, swish, swish
Swish, swish, swish ♪

566
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,840
♪ The wipers on the bus go
swish, swish, swish ♪

567
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,400
♪ All through the town ♪

568
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:16,840
♪

569
00:23:20,080 --> 00:23:23,200
♪ The horn on the bus goes
beep, beep, beep ♪

570
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,680
♪ Beep, beep, beep
Beep, beep, beep ♪

571
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,840
♪ The horn on the bus goes
beep, beep, beep ♪

572
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,680
♪ All through the town ♪

573
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,400
♪